In honor of National Coming Out Day, I'm going to share with you, mine... **This is gonna be kinda long, but please bare with me, If you want the ending then just keep scolling down** But first I guess I'll give you some background on my early years: I was in 7th grade the first time I saw a girl more then a friend. It was in the hallway walking to class with some friends. I wasn't paying attention and bumped into a girl and caused her to drop her books and without hesitation I swooped down to picked them while apologizing profusely (get ready for the cliche part) I went to hand her her books and I was taken back. She was so gorgeous, beautiful long brown hair, green eyes and the prettiest smile. She thanked me and went on her way. I was captivated and frozen in time. I has no idea what just happened but I couldn't stop thinking about for the rest of the week. Weeks went by and suddenly the way I started to see girls wasn't the same as before. In that time in my life being gay wasn't something that we talked about, sure there were boys in our school who were gay, but you never talked about it. I never even herd the word "lesbian" till I was in 9th grade. You never learned about same-sex relationships in health class and maybe our school system was just naive that kids this young couldn't be thinking or experiencing these "thoughts" or maybe they were afraid parents would be outraged that we would even put words like "gay", "lesbian" and "transgender" in our innocent little heads....Whatever the reason I wish it wasn't this way, because maybe I wouldn't have struggled the way I did later in life. Between 7th and 9th grade I struggled hard with my "feelings". I never really felt attracted to a certain girl or had a crush, but I found myself looking at girls more and more and boys less and less. I wondered why I couldn't stop looking at them and why it felt wrong and right at the same time. I often looked around me and tried to find confirmation that I wasn't the only one looking at girls the way I did, but only looking around made me feel even more wrong. I'd see girls looking at boys the way I looked at girls and suddenly, I felt a dark cloud form above me...I started to hate myself, and start asking questions I knew I didn't have the answers to. WHY CAN'T I STOP LOOKING AT GIRLS? IS THIS NORMAL? DO OTHER PEOPLE THINK THIS WAY? I started researching these "feelings" all day everyday and getting responses like "Lesbian" or "Bi-sexual". I was in denial, I couldn't possible be a lesbian, Bi maybeeeee but not a lesbian. I was in high school at this point and I've seen why I sterotyped as lesbians, short hair, baggy clothes, flannels, short nails...what everybody else saw. I saw how they were treated, they were exiled to a lunch table where they all sat together. They were pushed in the halls and called names like "dyke", "fag" and "butch". When it was time for group projects they were always last picked because who wants to be associated with a lesbian?! I couldn't understand why anybody would want to live a life where they were treated like this all the time. I never even knew words like "lipstick lesbian" or "androgynous" or anything other then what kids around me would call the "out girls". I dedicated four years of my life hating myself and forcing myself to try to have heterosexual relationships with boys. I forced myself to like them and even told myself I loved them. I wanted to feel "normal" have things to talk about with my friends and not think the thoughts I had about girls. All of this was working for me for a while, I wasn't happy, but I was content and I thought I could live this way forever. That was until I went to my first high school party in 10th grade. It was a sweet 16 and I was thriving! I was with all of my really great friends and the boy I was currently crushing. I was drinking and smoking and having the best time of my life at the time. That was until the pressures of high school came falling down on me. I was sitting with one of my bestfriends at the time and we were all drinking. My friend wanted some more alcohol and was told she has to kiss a girl in order to get more. She was taken back, I could see it in her eyes. She looked at me as if I had the answers, I knew I would have to do it, I mean who else was? So I leaned in and kissed her... It was instant fireworks! It was magic I swear! I never felt anything like this. It wasn't her I was feeling this for but the kiss with a girl. I was overwhelmed with so much emotion and had to be alone immediately. I spent the rest of the night in the bathroom at a lost for words. I knew now that this was "normal" and everything that I had been running from had finally caught up with me. But instead of feeling relief I felt so much anger. I hated that I knew I could never escape this, I hated that I knew my life was never going to be the same, I hated everything about myself and tried to find the moment when I could have become this. I vowed that I would do anything and everything in my power to do whatever it would take to be "normal". I spent the next two and half years dating boys, trying to make myself like them and love them. I would tell everyone how much I liked them trying to convince not only them but myself that I liked the boys as much as they liked me. I put myself in dark places, hating myself, cursing myself all night, cause those "thoughts" would never leave me. I wanted liberation. I wanted peace, but I never got any. It wasn't till January of my senior year when I finally told myself that I had enough. I was tired of fighting, convincing and forcing myself to be anybody but me. I was ready to except the inevitable. I was gay, I was a lesbian, I was me and it was ok. For the next three and half months I tried to find the words to tell my parents about myself. I thought about where and how I would do it. I almost did it numerous times but when I started to feel my words meeting my lips I'd retreat and take 10 steps backwards working, crawling myself back up just to fail again. It was the end of March and I finally decided to put telling my parents and friends on the back burner and to try talking to girls to really see if this is really something I liked. For two weeks I'd have conversations with girls as close as 20 miles to as far away as 2,000. Just talking and trying to be myself, but whenever things started to move too fast I'd block them and move on. On April 1st (April Fools Day) I finally decided to tell my sister. It's funny looking back but was absolutely terrifying at the time. We were in the living room, watching TV, and I just felt so compelled to tell her. Finally I looked over to her and said, "I need to tell you something, but you have to promise me that you'll always love me and that you'll never look at me differently." She looked at me with concern and was like, "okay?" So I opened my mouth and nothing came out, I looked at her like she should know what I wanted to say and she was puzzled. I sat there for a moment, closed my eyes and said, "I'm gay, I'm a lesbian, and I've been this way for a long time." She sat for a second and started cracking up. I was shocked. She responded, "LMFAO that was the best joke ever!" I never thought of what the day was, to me it was Monday, April 1st, until it hit me. "It's fucking April Fools Day..." I looked at her with such concern and told her again. She looked at me, a way I can never explain. I think she was trying to calculate when her sister became gay and when she missed it. It was weird for a while, but it was my first win and I was ok with that. April 7th is the day my life changed. I was on my dating app and I got a message from this girl named Alex, she looked cute and sent a simple, "Hello". I responded and somehow 10pm turned into 5am and it was time for me to get ready for school. I have no idea where the time went, but I couldn't stop talking to her. We talked for two weeks non stop, facetiming, texting and calling each other any moment we could. I finally couldn't wait anymore and I had to meet her. I knew however that there was no way I could do it with my parents knowing about me first... FINALLY THE PART YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR... April 23rd, the day I finally broke my absolute silence. That day is so clear and blurry at the same time. The days leading up Alex was trying to help me find the words and the courage to tell my parents my little secret. I knew the day was coming but I still couldn't do it. The day of, my Aunt called as I was getting in my car to go home, she told me that today was the day I was going to tell my mom (She already knew because I had confided in my cousin and told her she could tell her). I had a long and emotional talk with her and when we were done she told me shed loved me and to tell her how it goes. I felt this power and excitement in me and I raced home before I lost it. I was going over everything everyone had told me, what I practiced for four months in my head and Alex. I was driven, I was motivated and before I knew it I was at the front door of my house. Fear immediately came over to me as I herd her upstairs in her room. I remember walking up those stairs like it was a mountain, each step brought my heart closer and closer into my throat. I got to her door and opened it, feeling my air getting shallower, having my mind fill with questions and scenarios... "WHAT IS SHE DOESN"T LOVE ME ANYMORE?" "IF SHE SHE KICKS ME OUT I'LL GO LIVE WITH MOM-MOM..." "WILL SHE UNDERSTAND?" All of this going through my mind till I finally said, "I have to tell you something." She looked worried and starting asking the obvious, "Did you crash the car?", "Are you pregnant?", "Did you break the law?" I felt like this was something so much worst and I felt what I was about to tell her was about to break her heart. Tears started to fill my eyes and finally the words that I've kept inside my self for 6 years finally came out, "No Mom, I'm gay..." I fell into a little ball and started crying, started waiting for the worst, waiting for her to scream to say anything but kind, but instead she replied, "That's it? That's all you had to tell me?" I could speak anymore, I just shook my head and said, "I'm sorry." She asked why I was crying and there was such a better response to say then just, "I don't know", but she told me she loved me and that nothing on this earth could change that. I never felt so much weight lift off me. How could that have been so simple? How could this have been so easy? I don't remember what really came after that but I do remember finally feeling free. For the first time since 7th grade, I was able to breathe, I was able to be me and I didn't care who knew. The days following, I never walked taller or prouder down my schools halls. I told everyone who would listen about Alex and my new life that I was ready to live. I was finally who I was supposed to be. I was free.
It's been almost 5 years since I came out to my family and friends and I couldn't be more blessed. I know others aren't as heartwarming or as successful. I know some people face the fear that we all hope to never to face. They're kicked out of their homes, abused and turned away. They are the strong ones, because even though they have no one, they are still who they are and they don't let anyone change that... So now ya know my drawn out maybe more then you need to know story about my coming out story. I hope that who ever reads this learns something about acceptance and being yourself. To everyone who has and hasn't come out, know that you're never alone. There is always someone who has been through what you've been through. I hope to those who haven't come out yet, you find your strength and shine brighter then ever before. NEVER loose your sparkle! xoxo
4 Comments
Your momma
10/11/2017 20:04:45
Love you unconditionally...forever and always. I am so proud to be your mom! ❤️
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Auntie
10/12/2017 02:30:54
What a struggle for you, Too bad you didn't know that your family, and that would be all of us, already loved you to the moon and back😘 You are special Kelci and always have been. We all just want you to be who you are and just keep spreading your joy around. This world needs more people like you in it. We love you and want you to be happy! To be honest, I just want everyone to be happy and enjoy life. It's a priviledge to be here. Sending you and Alex hugs and much love😘😘
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Gigi
10/12/2017 06:21:18
Hats off to you Kelci! You have a great future and your Auntie is right, the world could use more folks like you!
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Allison
10/12/2017 07:02:48
I am so lucky to call myself your little. You are truly an inspiring woman, and I can't wait to see how you use your beautiful story to impact other people in positive ways. I didn't know you then but this story just makes me even more proud to call you my big. I miss you, and will see you soon. Xoxi ❤️
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This blog is about expressing myself out of the four walls I find myself in everyday. I'm finding ways to be more self accepting of myself and my sexuality and this is another way of doing it.
** my blog isn't here to "bash" people who identify as being straight or anybody regardless or gender, religion, race, ect.. I can't ask for acceptance, but I can ask for respect.** Archives |