In honor of National Coming Out Day, I'm going to share with you, mine... **This is gonna be kinda long, but please bare with me, If you want the ending then just keep scolling down** But first I guess I'll give you some background on my early years: I was in 7th grade the first time I saw a girl more then a friend. It was in the hallway walking to class with some friends. I wasn't paying attention and bumped into a girl and caused her to drop her books and without hesitation I swooped down to picked them while apologizing profusely (get ready for the cliche part) I went to hand her her books and I was taken back. She was so gorgeous, beautiful long brown hair, green eyes and the prettiest smile. She thanked me and went on her way. I was captivated and frozen in time. I has no idea what just happened but I couldn't stop thinking about for the rest of the week. Weeks went by and suddenly the way I started to see girls wasn't the same as before. In that time in my life being gay wasn't something that we talked about, sure there were boys in our school who were gay, but you never talked about it. I never even herd the word "lesbian" till I was in 9th grade. You never learned about same-sex relationships in health class and maybe our school system was just naive that kids this young couldn't be thinking or experiencing these "thoughts" or maybe they were afraid parents would be outraged that we would even put words like "gay", "lesbian" and "transgender" in our innocent little heads....Whatever the reason I wish it wasn't this way, because maybe I wouldn't have struggled the way I did later in life. Between 7th and 9th grade I struggled hard with my "feelings". I never really felt attracted to a certain girl or had a crush, but I found myself looking at girls more and more and boys less and less. I wondered why I couldn't stop looking at them and why it felt wrong and right at the same time. I often looked around me and tried to find confirmation that I wasn't the only one looking at girls the way I did, but only looking around made me feel even more wrong. I'd see girls looking at boys the way I looked at girls and suddenly, I felt a dark cloud form above me...I started to hate myself, and start asking questions I knew I didn't have the answers to. WHY CAN'T I STOP LOOKING AT GIRLS? IS THIS NORMAL? DO OTHER PEOPLE THINK THIS WAY? I started researching these "feelings" all day everyday and getting responses like "Lesbian" or "Bi-sexual". I was in denial, I couldn't possible be a lesbian, Bi maybeeeee but not a lesbian. I was in high school at this point and I've seen why I sterotyped as lesbians, short hair, baggy clothes, flannels, short nails...what everybody else saw. I saw how they were treated, they were exiled to a lunch table where they all sat together. They were pushed in the halls and called names like "dyke", "fag" and "butch". When it was time for group projects they were always last picked because who wants to be associated with a lesbian?! I couldn't understand why anybody would want to live a life where they were treated like this all the time. I never even knew words like "lipstick lesbian" or "androgynous" or anything other then what kids around me would call the "out girls". I dedicated four years of my life hating myself and forcing myself to try to have heterosexual relationships with boys. I forced myself to like them and even told myself I loved them. I wanted to feel "normal" have things to talk about with my friends and not think the thoughts I had about girls. All of this was working for me for a while, I wasn't happy, but I was content and I thought I could live this way forever. That was until I went to my first high school party in 10th grade. It was a sweet 16 and I was thriving! I was with all of my really great friends and the boy I was currently crushing. I was drinking and smoking and having the best time of my life at the time. That was until the pressures of high school came falling down on me. I was sitting with one of my bestfriends at the time and we were all drinking. My friend wanted some more alcohol and was told she has to kiss a girl in order to get more. She was taken back, I could see it in her eyes. She looked at me as if I had the answers, I knew I would have to do it, I mean who else was? So I leaned in and kissed her... It was instant fireworks! It was magic I swear! I never felt anything like this. It wasn't her I was feeling this for but the kiss with a girl. I was overwhelmed with so much emotion and had to be alone immediately. I spent the rest of the night in the bathroom at a lost for words. I knew now that this was "normal" and everything that I had been running from had finally caught up with me. But instead of feeling relief I felt so much anger. I hated that I knew I could never escape this, I hated that I knew my life was never going to be the same, I hated everything about myself and tried to find the moment when I could have become this. I vowed that I would do anything and everything in my power to do whatever it would take to be "normal". I spent the next two and half years dating boys, trying to make myself like them and love them. I would tell everyone how much I liked them trying to convince not only them but myself that I liked the boys as much as they liked me. I put myself in dark places, hating myself, cursing myself all night, cause those "thoughts" would never leave me. I wanted liberation. I wanted peace, but I never got any. It wasn't till January of my senior year when I finally told myself that I had enough. I was tired of fighting, convincing and forcing myself to be anybody but me. I was ready to except the inevitable. I was gay, I was a lesbian, I was me and it was ok. For the next three and half months I tried to find the words to tell my parents about myself. I thought about where and how I would do it. I almost did it numerous times but when I started to feel my words meeting my lips I'd retreat and take 10 steps backwards working, crawling myself back up just to fail again. It was the end of March and I finally decided to put telling my parents and friends on the back burner and to try talking to girls to really see if this is really something I liked. For two weeks I'd have conversations with girls as close as 20 miles to as far away as 2,000. Just talking and trying to be myself, but whenever things started to move too fast I'd block them and move on. On April 1st (April Fools Day) I finally decided to tell my sister. It's funny looking back but was absolutely terrifying at the time. We were in the living room, watching TV, and I just felt so compelled to tell her. Finally I looked over to her and said, "I need to tell you something, but you have to promise me that you'll always love me and that you'll never look at me differently." She looked at me with concern and was like, "okay?" So I opened my mouth and nothing came out, I looked at her like she should know what I wanted to say and she was puzzled. I sat there for a moment, closed my eyes and said, "I'm gay, I'm a lesbian, and I've been this way for a long time." She sat for a second and started cracking up. I was shocked. She responded, "LMFAO that was the best joke ever!" I never thought of what the day was, to me it was Monday, April 1st, until it hit me. "It's fucking April Fools Day..." I looked at her with such concern and told her again. She looked at me, a way I can never explain. I think she was trying to calculate when her sister became gay and when she missed it. It was weird for a while, but it was my first win and I was ok with that. April 7th is the day my life changed. I was on my dating app and I got a message from this girl named Alex, she looked cute and sent a simple, "Hello". I responded and somehow 10pm turned into 5am and it was time for me to get ready for school. I have no idea where the time went, but I couldn't stop talking to her. We talked for two weeks non stop, facetiming, texting and calling each other any moment we could. I finally couldn't wait anymore and I had to meet her. I knew however that there was no way I could do it with my parents knowing about me first... FINALLY THE PART YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR... April 23rd, the day I finally broke my absolute silence. That day is so clear and blurry at the same time. The days leading up Alex was trying to help me find the words and the courage to tell my parents my little secret. I knew the day was coming but I still couldn't do it. The day of, my Aunt called as I was getting in my car to go home, she told me that today was the day I was going to tell my mom (She already knew because I had confided in my cousin and told her she could tell her). I had a long and emotional talk with her and when we were done she told me shed loved me and to tell her how it goes. I felt this power and excitement in me and I raced home before I lost it. I was going over everything everyone had told me, what I practiced for four months in my head and Alex. I was driven, I was motivated and before I knew it I was at the front door of my house. Fear immediately came over to me as I herd her upstairs in her room. I remember walking up those stairs like it was a mountain, each step brought my heart closer and closer into my throat. I got to her door and opened it, feeling my air getting shallower, having my mind fill with questions and scenarios... "WHAT IS SHE DOESN"T LOVE ME ANYMORE?" "IF SHE SHE KICKS ME OUT I'LL GO LIVE WITH MOM-MOM..." "WILL SHE UNDERSTAND?" All of this going through my mind till I finally said, "I have to tell you something." She looked worried and starting asking the obvious, "Did you crash the car?", "Are you pregnant?", "Did you break the law?" I felt like this was something so much worst and I felt what I was about to tell her was about to break her heart. Tears started to fill my eyes and finally the words that I've kept inside my self for 6 years finally came out, "No Mom, I'm gay..." I fell into a little ball and started crying, started waiting for the worst, waiting for her to scream to say anything but kind, but instead she replied, "That's it? That's all you had to tell me?" I could speak anymore, I just shook my head and said, "I'm sorry." She asked why I was crying and there was such a better response to say then just, "I don't know", but she told me she loved me and that nothing on this earth could change that. I never felt so much weight lift off me. How could that have been so simple? How could this have been so easy? I don't remember what really came after that but I do remember finally feeling free. For the first time since 7th grade, I was able to breathe, I was able to be me and I didn't care who knew. The days following, I never walked taller or prouder down my schools halls. I told everyone who would listen about Alex and my new life that I was ready to live. I was finally who I was supposed to be. I was free.
It's been almost 5 years since I came out to my family and friends and I couldn't be more blessed. I know others aren't as heartwarming or as successful. I know some people face the fear that we all hope to never to face. They're kicked out of their homes, abused and turned away. They are the strong ones, because even though they have no one, they are still who they are and they don't let anyone change that... So now ya know my drawn out maybe more then you need to know story about my coming out story. I hope that who ever reads this learns something about acceptance and being yourself. To everyone who has and hasn't come out, know that you're never alone. There is always someone who has been through what you've been through. I hope to those who haven't come out yet, you find your strength and shine brighter then ever before. NEVER loose your sparkle! xoxo
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Feminism by definition is defined as the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities, but I have come to learn that equality is not just for men and women but for all regardless of race, religion and sexual orientation. Growing up, the word feminist was associated with being a "man hater" and the agendas I saw women fighting for were merely complaints that really didn't matter. Objectifying women, pay gap, the pro-choice fight, and other country's women's issues were things that weren't affecting me, or so I thought... I was in middle school when I was taught that wearing shorts, tank tops and v-neck shirts made me a distracting to my school environment and gave men the wrong idea of myself. Being a girl I had the same "privilege" of being able to wear my clothes as a form of self expression just like boys, but that privilege also came with a mile long list of restrictions on clothes I could or could not wear. That list was in order so I wouldn't disrupt the class, but it wasn't girls that were going to have the problem with my clothes in the classroom, it was the boys. So many times I was sent to the office because my tank top was two fingers wide instead of three or my shorts were "too revealing" even after I'd spend hours at the mall trying on hundreds of clothes just fit protocol. Every time I was sent to the office I was exposed to slut shaming and educated on what kind of girls wear the clothes I was wearing. In that time I spent there, I missed quizzes, homework, and class time that I never got back or excused. I couldn't help but wonder why I was being educated to cover up more of myself and why boys weren't educated on how to respect women enough not to objectify us because of what we wore to school that day. I was in high school was I saw the terrible awful that girls go through when they make what seems like the longest journey into the doors of a planned parenthood. I watched as protestors screamed and waved signs saying "Baby murderer" and "Stop the slaughtering". She was alone and there was nothing more that I wanted to do then get out of my car and help her inside. I didn't know if she was there for contraceptives, an exam or an abortion, but what I did know was that it wasn't anymore my business what she was doing in there then the protestors in the parking lot. I decided there and then that I will forever be PRO-CHOICE because regardless or religion, economic status or political party, it was her life that was affected, not yours or mine. I was fighting for her and I had no idea who she was, but I hoped that forever what reason I someday may need to walk into those doors I would have someone fighting for me too. It was also this time through middle school and high school where I had the journey of my sexual orientation. I constantly watched rallies on TV and in the news and read articles about the hardships and fights that I was going to have to go through in order to fight for equality. So many times I read stories about couples who have been together for decades, wanting nothing more then to be recognized for their love for each other. Or the heart-wrenching times couples were denied the right to be with their love ones regardless of the time they have spent together and missed saying goodbye to them. But I also remember crying tears for all of them and myself when gay marriage was legalized on June 26, 2015. I cried because they missed their chance but I was given mine. My Freshman year of college was when I saw my first video about the unimaginable things that happen to girls in other countries such as sex-selective abortions, female genital mutilation and in 2014, the Boko Haram kidnapping to name a few. I cried so hard and so long for them. Girls as young as 8 are taken in the middle of the night by there parents and ripped apart so they don't perform sexual acts before marriage, or they're aborted because females are less valued in some countries and never even given the chance to become anything. These girls are deprived the education they deserve because society tells them they are gross for menstruating or being labeled a Harlot for being "too beautiful". My heart was broken for them that they were treated so unkindly and unfairly just for being a girl. And it was this year that I too felt the affects of the beauty and body standard of women that the media shoves in our face. I at times would live off a hardboiled egg, a banana, and granola bar for the day with tons of water to help suppress my hunger. I allowed the image of the people around me and the frustration that medication and working out never gave me results I so desperately wanted. My journey here isn't over, it's something I'm still living with now, but I know that the beauty standards people idolize aren't achievable for everyone. So I'm working on me a little at a time and understanding that by wanting to be the sex symbol that everyone looks up too, makes me no better then the people who think that the photoshopped women in magazines are are actually what they look like in real life. In my life I've learned the price of being a women. I've been objectified, cat-called, over looked, and under appreciated, but I've also learned the power of being a women. Everyday I see more and more movements, fighting not only for our rights here in the U.S., but rights all over the world. Whenever I see women voting for the first time in their country or countries making certain cultural "traditions" illegal, I am more empowered to make changes to make sure I, as a women, am heard, seen and understood on the inequalities that we still face today. "How can we effect change in the world when only half is invited or feel welcomed to participate in the conversation?"
-Emma Watson 1. Being the only gay girl in a sea of 120+ sorority girls can sometimes make you feel like an outsider. I can't help but notice when people around me get quiet when they talk about their guy problems or when they want to talk about how big the guy's dick that they fucked last night was. It's as if I would be offended?! Bitch please! it's not like I was apart of a convent or was brought up in some cult.. 2. I often make jokes about being gay on the butt end of conversations just to feel relevant and it doesn't always make me feel good about myself. Tbh, it can make conversations awkward for the both of us. 3. When you start a conversation with me with, "Kelci can I ask you a question?" I already know its about to be a lesbian Q&A. I'm all about being open about my sexuality and engaging in a conversation about my love life, but asking me how I have sex and using questions that demean my sexuality isn't something I'm ok with. You don't see me asking you what gets you off do ya?? 4. Finding another lesbian in a sea of straight girls is like finding a needle in a hay stack. No really, it's that rare! 5. Using the word "Gay" to describe something that is stupid or the word "Faggot" to describe someone who is different is just as insulting as using the "R" or "N" word. Seriously, get a thesaurus and educate yourself! 6. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm not good with giving you dating advice. I mean it's not like I haven't dated guys or even more, slept with them! Trust me, there isn't much I haven't experienced first hand in a straight relationship that you aren't going through now. 7. Being a lesbian doesn't mean that I'm automatically going to hit on you. #1: I'm taken and happily in love #2: Even if I wasn't, I know your straight, so what's the point?! 8. Whenever I see a lesbian couple it easily turns my day around! See explanation in #4 and then times that excitement by two. 9. Even though I feel like I am always on the outside or the black sheep, I have learned more about self acceptance and self love for myself in the last four years of being out then I ever did in the 18 years that I associated myself as being straight. In a world where holding hands with the one you love results in being spit in your face, or being kicked out of a church that you fell in love with because you were "living in sin", it makes you have to learn to love yourself so people around you don't make you hate yourself. AND FINALLY..... 10. Yes, I know, I don't look gay... Like, WTF does that even mean?! At the end of the day, I'm just like everybody else...I just prefer muffins over bananas!
Stay beautiful my friends! |
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This blog is about expressing myself out of the four walls I find myself in everyday. I'm finding ways to be more self accepting of myself and my sexuality and this is another way of doing it.
** my blog isn't here to "bash" people who identify as being straight or anybody regardless or gender, religion, race, ect.. I can't ask for acceptance, but I can ask for respect.** Archives |